One of my daily struggles is social anxiety. I’ve had many people, family and friends alike, comment to me that they would never have thought that was an issue for me. I’ve been told that I’m outgoing toward people and that I have confidence and a strong personality. I don’t see those things in myself, and those close to me would be really surprised to know my thoughts and feelings in any given situation. I’m going to share a few.
At work, I know my job well. I’ve been at it for several years now. I’m advanced in Excel and the other elements of Microsoft Office, and have taught an Excel class to some of our co-workers. I know AutoCad inside and out. I set up, administer, and train users of two huge databases. I have even been acting IT for the plant for a few months while the company was between employees. There have been only a handful of things that I found myself unable to complete in my 9 ½ years on my job. I have a solid work ethic, and my attitude is that “my job is to make my team look good”. I try hard every day to juggle the zillion things on my plate, and “I can’t” is never an option. I frequently support other departments as well as my own, even though that isn’t part of my job. If I’m asked by anyone for help, I do my best to help them. I know I’m good at what I do, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think at least one (most days all) of the following:
“If I make a mistake, they’re going to fire me”.
“I sent out the wrong attachment, everyone things I’m stupid”.
“I can’t do anything right”.
“Mr. Manager hates me”.
“I don’t have the skills or ability to do this”.
In my closest circle, I have a solid group of people who love me and stand behind me no matter what. I’ve chosen my companions well. I nurture those relationships. I love fully and without expectations, I give without wanting to be repaid. I compliment, but I do so genuinely. I try to build people up and help them to see how amazing they really are. I listen and offer compassion when they have a problem and offer advice when asked. I know I am good to them. Anxiety still tries to kill those relationships. What anxiety whispers to me are these things:
“He/she really doesn’t want to be around me. They're just bored”.
“Our relationship isn’t like it was, something is wrong”.
“We don’t see each other as much as we used to. They’re bored with / hate me”.
“This relationship is about to end and they just don’t want to hurt my feelings”.
“If I tell them how I really feel, they won’t like me anymore”.
At parties or gatherings where there are many people, the anxiety becomes almost crippling. I’m polite and speak to people with a huge smile. I treat everyone the same. I offer to help with whatever may be going on at the time. The people I do know are great about introductions and making me feel like I belong. My issue is that I’m very socially awkward, and much prefer people to approach me rather than me approaching them. I feel as if I’m forcing myself onto people, and the last thing I want is to put myself off onto people who don’t want me around. These are the things I hear anxiety say:
“If I say hello, they’re going to think I’m barging in on their conversation”.
“Those two whispering and laughing across the room are talking about me”.
“That person looked at me like he/she already doesn’t like me”.
“I don’t fit in here”.
“If I try to add to the conversation, I’m going to say something stupid”.
*** [I want to interject that in attempting to write my positive attributes to show why I shouldn't have these feelings, that I found myself trying to apologize for having them. Anxiety is speaking to me even as I write]
The above are only a few examples of thoughts I have during almost every interaction with other people. I also over think and attempt to figure out what hidden meanings could be behind small comments. I interpret silence or delays in response during conversations as the person is bored with me and isn't engaged. When I don't hear from someone as often as I'd like, I feel that they are detaching from me. It goes on and on.
Social anxiety is crippling. At work, I isolate myself, spending no more than a few minutes each day interacting with the people I work with, keeping most conversations to things like a quick “good morning”. I work in solitude and I take my breaks alone because of the energy it takes communicate with others. In my inner circle, I’ve driven away people who may have adored me because I felt something was wrong and ended the relationship before they had a chance to hurt me. In my social life, I've backed out of events and even almost left a few because the anxiety was too strong to deal with. I’ve surely missed out on making new friends because I wouldn’t allow myself to add to a conversation for fear of looking like an idiot. I’ve likely driven people away because I come off as “stuck up” or “uninterested” because of my silence. The fact is that I crave interaction. I need to find ways to silence this demon known as Anxiety.
I’ve read so many articles from psychologists as well as life coaches. They all seem to agree that anxiety is caused by situations from your past. Identifying those causes are listed as the first steps to dealing with anxiety. Over the course of the last year or so, I’ve identified some of the causes. Some still seem irrational. Learning how to deal with them is my next step. I’m working on it, but it is damned hard. It may take me the rest of my life to get there, but I’m going to keep trying.
Do you have these same thoughts? How do you silence them? Do you put on a mask and pretend they aren’t there, but still silently suffer? I’d love to hear the ways you deal with anxiety.
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