The Reason I'm Here

This is my self-improvement journal. This won’t be a pretty pep talk. This won’t be me touting my victories without disclosing setbacks. This is me, being real. It’s going to get ugly before it gets beautiful. I’m going to strip away every layer. I’m going to peel off my happy mask. I’m going to let you see the me that no one sees.

 I struggle daily with depression, social anxiety, laziness, insecurity, and sometimes even a shitty attitude. From those struggles, I also managed to find myself more than 100 lbs overweight. I’ve struggled with my weight all my life, but there was a time when I was able to defeat those demons and came out lean and strong on the other end. I will do it again.

I’d gotten myself into a pretty bad rut. Social anxiety had clinched its fist around my throat and was choking the life out of me. Literally. I had stopped going out with friends, I stayed home in front of the TV with a glass (more like two bottles) of wine and a plate of cheese and crackers every night. I enjoyed not being around crowds of people. I was going nowhere except to work and to the grocery store.

Another issue I had was that I LOVE to cook. I was making gourmet meals every night. Heavy cream, dense, exotic cheeses, chef quality sauces, and other decedent ingredients were being consumed in high volumes. I feasted. I didn’t give a damn about the calories I was consuming, so the calories led to pounds. The pounds added more social anxiety, and the social anxiety increased my depression, fueling my need for more wine and TV time. Those rare occasions when I did go out or when I went on a vacation were cause to celebrate. A giant burger and fries along with 3-4 tall draft beers for lunch was called for, and quite the norm. All of those demons cost me 105 pounds and upped my body from a size 6 to a size 20. Looking back on it, I’m surprised it wasn’t more. 

Today I am down 60 pounds. I’ve fought tooth and nail to get here. It hasn’t been “difficult”, but it has certainly been a slow process. I’m so very proud of where I am right now. I have people making comments to me every single day. Some days there are several people who stop me and ask me what I’m doing to lose the weight or to tell me how good I’m looking. I still have more than 40 pounds to go though.

 Recently, I hit a plateau. A plateau makes it impossible to lose an ounce no matter what you do. I stayed on this plateau for seven long weeks. Seven weeks of restricting calories, ignoring the piece of homemade birthday cake at a friend’s party, and stepping on the scale every day praying for it to go down just a tenth of a pound. It was frustrating. I almost quit. Almost. 

I decided that I needed to incorporate exercise if I was going to break through the plateau. What could I do though? I have a herniated disc, and even sneezing has caused my back to go out. I was afraid of everything. I decided to start walking.

 I have the luxury of an hour lunch and a walking trail within 3 miles of my workplace. I starting going to the walking trail on my lunch hour. I would get to the trail, set an alarm on my phone to go off in twenty minutes (this gives me twenty minutes to return, and then the remaining 20 would be my travel time to and from work. I downloaded the Endomondo app onto my iPhone and started tracking my distance. I was logging 1 mile each day for the first week. I then began to walk faster and was finally able to log 1.75 miles in my limited lunch time. After two weeks, the scale moved. Two pounds down! I was finally past the plateau. 

I saw other people on the trail. A lot of them were runners donning their skin tight leggings, fluorescent colored running shoes, tank tops and tees. Each of them ran with a confidence and a purpose that I wished I had. I wanted to be like them, but I couldn’t. My back is messed up, I have a knee and an ankle that gives me a fit, I’m 49 years old, and I am obese. Obese people shouldn’t run. At least that’s what I’ve always been told. I could get hurt pretty badly. If I even attempted to run, I just knew that I would have to call work and tell them I was lying flat on my back waiting for the rescue squad to pick me up and that I wouldn’t be back in to work today. Fear is crippling.

About three weeks ago, I was passed by a runner. I saw how easily she seemed to move. I wanted to be running so badly. I looked ahead and saw no one coming in my direction. I looked behind and saw no one was behind me. I couldn’t risk being seen as I attempted what I knew I would fail. I broke out into a five second jog. I went back to walking. That wasn’t so bad. Nothing hurt. I wasn’t feeling anything in my back. I did it again. Only ten seconds. I may be able to do this. Fear be damned!

Over the next couple of weeks, I would do short sprints (when no one was around to see me, of course) lasting no longer than 15-20 seconds. I still had that fear in the back of my mind that I would roll an ankle, or maybe my back would give out, or I might trip and fall and end up with “road rash”. I was also horrified that someone on the trail would judge me for not being able to run far. I was afraid of what they would think about me running in jeans and a dressy top. Anxiety is a bitch. This was the next demon I had to silence. 

I decided that if I was going to get serious and do this, then I had to build enough confidence to run even if people were around. I went to Target that evening and bought some leggings and a couple of sports bras (these boulders fucking hurt when they bounce). I could wear them under my clothes, toss a pair of sneakers into my car to change into, and wear a tee shirt instead of my dress tops. I also found a plan for new runners on Pinterest (photo posted). When I read that plan, I discovered that I actually had *permission* to take walk breaks! Would you believe that even seasoned runners who enter races actually walk? Who knew? I didn’t have to worry about the “real” runners scoffing at me because I couldn’t run the entire time. I felt free! Anxiety can STFU now.

Over the next week, I still had fear and anxiety whisper in my ear. I took things easy, because I was still afraid that I would roll an ankle, aggravate that herniated disc, or trip and end up with painful “road rash”. I attempted to use the “Running for Beginners” plan, running one minute, walking four minutes. That one minute was HELL. I couldn’t breathe and my legs ached after only 30 seconds. I didn’t do so well that week. I was down on myself, but still put on that mask and pretended I was OK with what I was doing. All those voices whispered to me as I ran my little 30 second sprints, “You’ll never be able to do this”, “You can’t even make it a minute, you’re pathetic”. I kept pressing.

 Looking back on the progress I had made, just getting out of my house and walking was a feat in itself. That first day “running” wasn’t so great to me at the time. But you know what? I fucking KILLED IT. I had quieted two of my demons enough to function and I had lost three pounds that week. I see that as a win!

I was determined to get past all these struggles, and I’ve always been one to educate myself on things that I was doing. I’m self-taught in most areas, and my curiosity and desire to learn has served me well in the past. I began researching. The first thing I learned was how to breathe. This seemed to be my biggest problem. I was randomly inhaling and exhaling, and constantly gasping for breath. I read about the 3-2 method and how that particular breathing pattern helps prevent injury. The article stated that on the exhale the runner is more susceptible to injury on whichever side the foot lands. He recommended inhaling for three steps, and then exhaling for two, from the diaphragm and not the chest. This method alternates the exhale every other foot. Breathing from the diaphragm also enables your lungs to take in more air during each breath. I started practicing my breathing. It made a HUGE difference. Now I could run longer and not get winded. The only thing that is left to do is build up my legs so they don’t burn and ache after a minute. That has to come with time. I continued to press through. 

It’s been 27 days since I started those 30 second runs. I’ve not been following the Running for Beginners plan as written. I’m listening to my body and pressing myself to do what I can do. This is my workout and needs to be personalized to my needs. I have the discipline to shape my own progress because it is something that I want. Today I pressed myself further out of my comfort zone that I have been though. I ran two minutes and walked two minutes for thirty minutes. I never cheated. I wanted to cheat – God knows I wanted to. But I kept pushing myself. And that’s how I know I will get to where I’m going. Because I’m determined to beat those demons. 

Right now I feel amazing. Am I an athlete? Hell no. Am I in shape? Hardly. Am I a runner? You damned right I am! I’m getting out there and running every day. I’m improving on my runs. I’m using my body more efficiently every day. I look forward to running every day. I love the way I feel after a run. I think that heart rather than performance qualifies me as a runner. Let’s see what else I can be.