Anxiety? Maybe Not. Some People Are Just Assholes

the Gorleston Psalter, 1310-1324

Some people are just assholes. I’m realizing more and more that anxiety isn’t all in my head. This is a huge breakthrough for me, because even though I’d *like* to be liked by people, there are some, no matter how nice I try to be, that will just be plain jerks.

I play in the Society for Creative Anachronism, an educational group who learn about life before the 17^th century by researching and recreating pretty much everything the way it used to be. We learn about clothing by researching, creating, and wearing the clothing they would have worn. We learn how they ate by researching and preparing recipes from hundreds of years ago. Fighters combat on the field using techniques that would have been used then. The list goes on. If it was done in the Middle Ages, someone in the SCA is doing it.

I've only been in the SCA for a year and a half, so I don't have the solid friendships that others have grown and nurtured over several years, and in some cases decades. This causes SCA events trigger major anxiety attacks for me. These anxious thoughts heighten when I go to an event alone and don’t have dedicated people to interact with. While I’ve had positive experiences with most of the people who play in the SCA (some of the best people I've met), there are a handful out of several hundred who have made me feel excluded and even inferior. I’ve not been around these people long enough to have offended anyone (at least I don’t think I’ve offended), but I still experience rudeness and arrogance from them.There are some who walk past and turn their head to not make eye contact. There are some who give as short an answer as possible when I try to engage them, and then walk away.. There is one who always offers only a sneer or an eye roll when in proximity. There has even been one to whom a friend and  I said good morning in passing, who stopped dead in his tracks and glared at us as if we were too beneath him to offer such a greeting. When we were met with his nasty glare, we both turned to look at each other at the same time, in shock, and all either of us could say is “WOW”. The incidents I have mentioned are not imagined; they are real and are regular in occurrence, and involve the same people at each event. These things are NOT anxiety talking. These behaviors do not belong to me.

In retrospect, there has been only one occurrence that I found I had read too much into, and after having expressed my feelings to the person involved and asking what I had done, I was assured that there was nothing to be concerned with, and that everything was OK. Incidents like that happen, and I do need to acknowledge those as flaws within myself.  Genuine anxiety aside, I've just realized that I’ve been internalizing other people's rude and hateful behavior and owning it as if my being too sensitive and imagining things is the total issue. This is not healthy and is adding to the anxiety that I feel. I need to start accepting that some of these people are just rude jerks, and quit taking the blame for them being assholes. I think that if I take these things for face value and can accept that I’m not always the one with the problem, that it may boost my confidence and lessen the anxious thoughts. It may also loosen me up and help me let down my walls when people with good intent actually do come and talk to me and engage me, rather than keeping my distance and being afraid to speak for fear of being rejected or ridiculed. By recognizing which people are giving me negative feelings, and understanding that the problem is with them and not with me, I may finally be able to more freely accept that I am actually accepted by the others.

I had a job and a plan this past weekend, and I got to hang out with some really awesome people who say they like me and that I’m “their kind”. I was introduced to new faces. I heard stories from the past, which only adds to my experience in the SCA. I was made to feel appreciated, and I had a purpose. I did see several of those people I mentioned above, and their actions toward me were exactly the same as they had been in the past. This time though, it didn’t settle into my heart and head. I was able to shake it off and can say that anxiety didn’t creep in for the entire day. Being relaxed, feeling accepted, and enjoying the event with people who actually wanted me around helped me see that it isn’t all in my head, and that I’m not as big a basket case as I thought. What freedom!

People are assholes and it’s OK. It means that it isn’t all my problem, and I’m better off emotionally than I originally thought I was.

Anxiety - My Biggest Demon

One of my daily struggles is social anxiety. I’ve had many people, family and friends alike, comment to me that they would never have thought that was an issue for me. I’ve been told that I’m outgoing toward people and that I have confidence and a strong personality. I don’t see those things in myself, and those close to me would be really surprised to know my thoughts and feelings in any given situation. I’m going to share a few.

At work, I know my job well. I’ve been at it for several years now. I’m advanced in Excel and the other elements of Microsoft Office, and have taught an Excel class to some of our co-workers. I know AutoCad inside and out. I set up, administer, and train users of two huge databases. I have even been acting IT for the plant for a few months while the company was between employees. There have been only a handful of things that I found myself unable to complete in my 9 ½ years on my job. I have a solid work ethic, and my attitude is that “my job is to make my team look good”. I try hard every day to juggle the zillion things on my plate, and “I can’t” is never an option. I frequently support other departments as well as my own, even though that isn’t part of my job. If I’m asked by anyone for help, I do my best to help them. I know I’m good at what I do, but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think at least one (most days all) of the following:

“If I make a mistake, they’re going to fire me”.
“I sent out the wrong attachment, everyone things I’m stupid”.
“I can’t do anything right”.
“Mr. Manager hates me”.
“I don’t have the skills or ability to do this”.

In my closest circle, I have a solid group of people who love me and stand behind me no matter what. I’ve chosen my companions well. I nurture those relationships. I love fully and without expectations, I give without wanting to be repaid. I compliment, but I do so genuinely. I try to build people up and help them to see how amazing they really are. I listen and offer compassion when they have a problem and offer advice when asked. I know I am good to them. Anxiety still tries to kill those relationships. What anxiety whispers to me are these things:

“He/she really doesn’t want to be around me. They're just bored”.
“Our relationship isn’t like it was, something is wrong”.
“We don’t see each other as much as we used to. They’re bored with / hate me”.
“This relationship is about to end and they just don’t want to hurt my feelings”.
“If I tell them how I really feel, they won’t like me anymore”.

At parties or gatherings where there are many people, the anxiety becomes almost crippling. I’m polite and speak to people with a huge smile. I treat everyone the same. I offer to help with whatever may be going on at the time. The people I do know are great about introductions and making me feel like I belong. My issue is that I’m very socially awkward, and much prefer people to approach me rather than me approaching them. I feel as if I’m forcing myself onto people, and the last thing I want is to put myself off onto people who don’t want me around. These are the things I hear anxiety say:

“If I say hello, they’re going to think I’m barging in on their conversation”.
“Those two whispering and laughing across the room are talking about me”.
“That person looked at me like he/she already doesn’t like me”.
“I don’t fit in here”.
“If I try to add to the conversation, I’m going to say something stupid”.

*** [I want to interject that in attempting to write my positive attributes to show why I shouldn't have these feelings, that I found myself trying to apologize for having them. Anxiety is speaking to me even as I write] 

The above are only a few examples of  thoughts I have during almost every interaction with other people. I also over think and attempt to figure out what hidden meanings could be behind small comments. I interpret silence or delays in response during conversations as the person is bored with me and isn't engaged. When I don't hear from someone as often as I'd like, I feel that they are detaching from me. It goes on and on.

Social anxiety is crippling. At work, I isolate myself, spending no more than a few minutes each day interacting with the people I work with, keeping most conversations to things like a quick “good morning”. I work in solitude and I take my breaks alone because of the energy it takes communicate with others. In my inner circle, I’ve driven away people who may have adored me because I felt something was wrong and ended the relationship before they had a chance to hurt me. In my social life, I've backed out of events and even almost left a few because the anxiety was too strong to deal with. I’ve surely missed out on making new friends because I wouldn’t allow myself to add to a conversation for fear of looking like an idiot. I’ve likely driven people away because I come off as “stuck up” or “uninterested” because of my silence. The fact is that I crave interaction. I need to find ways to silence this demon known as Anxiety.

I’ve read so many articles from psychologists as well as life coaches. They all seem to agree that anxiety is caused by situations from your past. Identifying those causes are listed as the first steps to dealing with anxiety. Over the course of the last year or so, I’ve identified some of the causes. Some still seem irrational. Learning how to deal with them is my next step. I’m working on it, but it is damned hard. It may take me the rest of my life to get there, but I’m going to keep trying.

Do you have these same thoughts? How do you silence them? Do you put on a mask and pretend they aren’t there, but still silently suffer? I’d love to hear the ways you deal with anxiety.

The Reason I'm Here

This is my self-improvement journal. This won’t be a pretty pep talk. This won’t be me touting my victories without disclosing setbacks. This is me, being real. It’s going to get ugly before it gets beautiful. I’m going to strip away every layer. I’m going to peel off my happy mask. I’m going to let you see the me that no one sees.

 I struggle daily with depression, social anxiety, laziness, insecurity, and sometimes even a shitty attitude. From those struggles, I also managed to find myself more than 100 lbs overweight. I’ve struggled with my weight all my life, but there was a time when I was able to defeat those demons and came out lean and strong on the other end. I will do it again.

I’d gotten myself into a pretty bad rut. Social anxiety had clinched its fist around my throat and was choking the life out of me. Literally. I had stopped going out with friends, I stayed home in front of the TV with a glass (more like two bottles) of wine and a plate of cheese and crackers every night. I enjoyed not being around crowds of people. I was going nowhere except to work and to the grocery store.

Another issue I had was that I LOVE to cook. I was making gourmet meals every night. Heavy cream, dense, exotic cheeses, chef quality sauces, and other decedent ingredients were being consumed in high volumes. I feasted. I didn’t give a damn about the calories I was consuming, so the calories led to pounds. The pounds added more social anxiety, and the social anxiety increased my depression, fueling my need for more wine and TV time. Those rare occasions when I did go out or when I went on a vacation were cause to celebrate. A giant burger and fries along with 3-4 tall draft beers for lunch was called for, and quite the norm. All of those demons cost me 105 pounds and upped my body from a size 6 to a size 20. Looking back on it, I’m surprised it wasn’t more. 

Today I am down 60 pounds. I’ve fought tooth and nail to get here. It hasn’t been “difficult”, but it has certainly been a slow process. I’m so very proud of where I am right now. I have people making comments to me every single day. Some days there are several people who stop me and ask me what I’m doing to lose the weight or to tell me how good I’m looking. I still have more than 40 pounds to go though.

 Recently, I hit a plateau. A plateau makes it impossible to lose an ounce no matter what you do. I stayed on this plateau for seven long weeks. Seven weeks of restricting calories, ignoring the piece of homemade birthday cake at a friend’s party, and stepping on the scale every day praying for it to go down just a tenth of a pound. It was frustrating. I almost quit. Almost. 

I decided that I needed to incorporate exercise if I was going to break through the plateau. What could I do though? I have a herniated disc, and even sneezing has caused my back to go out. I was afraid of everything. I decided to start walking.

 I have the luxury of an hour lunch and a walking trail within 3 miles of my workplace. I starting going to the walking trail on my lunch hour. I would get to the trail, set an alarm on my phone to go off in twenty minutes (this gives me twenty minutes to return, and then the remaining 20 would be my travel time to and from work. I downloaded the Endomondo app onto my iPhone and started tracking my distance. I was logging 1 mile each day for the first week. I then began to walk faster and was finally able to log 1.75 miles in my limited lunch time. After two weeks, the scale moved. Two pounds down! I was finally past the plateau. 

I saw other people on the trail. A lot of them were runners donning their skin tight leggings, fluorescent colored running shoes, tank tops and tees. Each of them ran with a confidence and a purpose that I wished I had. I wanted to be like them, but I couldn’t. My back is messed up, I have a knee and an ankle that gives me a fit, I’m 49 years old, and I am obese. Obese people shouldn’t run. At least that’s what I’ve always been told. I could get hurt pretty badly. If I even attempted to run, I just knew that I would have to call work and tell them I was lying flat on my back waiting for the rescue squad to pick me up and that I wouldn’t be back in to work today. Fear is crippling.

About three weeks ago, I was passed by a runner. I saw how easily she seemed to move. I wanted to be running so badly. I looked ahead and saw no one coming in my direction. I looked behind and saw no one was behind me. I couldn’t risk being seen as I attempted what I knew I would fail. I broke out into a five second jog. I went back to walking. That wasn’t so bad. Nothing hurt. I wasn’t feeling anything in my back. I did it again. Only ten seconds. I may be able to do this. Fear be damned!

Over the next couple of weeks, I would do short sprints (when no one was around to see me, of course) lasting no longer than 15-20 seconds. I still had that fear in the back of my mind that I would roll an ankle, or maybe my back would give out, or I might trip and fall and end up with “road rash”. I was also horrified that someone on the trail would judge me for not being able to run far. I was afraid of what they would think about me running in jeans and a dressy top. Anxiety is a bitch. This was the next demon I had to silence. 

I decided that if I was going to get serious and do this, then I had to build enough confidence to run even if people were around. I went to Target that evening and bought some leggings and a couple of sports bras (these boulders fucking hurt when they bounce). I could wear them under my clothes, toss a pair of sneakers into my car to change into, and wear a tee shirt instead of my dress tops. I also found a plan for new runners on Pinterest (photo posted). When I read that plan, I discovered that I actually had *permission* to take walk breaks! Would you believe that even seasoned runners who enter races actually walk? Who knew? I didn’t have to worry about the “real” runners scoffing at me because I couldn’t run the entire time. I felt free! Anxiety can STFU now.

Over the next week, I still had fear and anxiety whisper in my ear. I took things easy, because I was still afraid that I would roll an ankle, aggravate that herniated disc, or trip and end up with painful “road rash”. I attempted to use the “Running for Beginners” plan, running one minute, walking four minutes. That one minute was HELL. I couldn’t breathe and my legs ached after only 30 seconds. I didn’t do so well that week. I was down on myself, but still put on that mask and pretended I was OK with what I was doing. All those voices whispered to me as I ran my little 30 second sprints, “You’ll never be able to do this”, “You can’t even make it a minute, you’re pathetic”. I kept pressing.

 Looking back on the progress I had made, just getting out of my house and walking was a feat in itself. That first day “running” wasn’t so great to me at the time. But you know what? I fucking KILLED IT. I had quieted two of my demons enough to function and I had lost three pounds that week. I see that as a win!

I was determined to get past all these struggles, and I’ve always been one to educate myself on things that I was doing. I’m self-taught in most areas, and my curiosity and desire to learn has served me well in the past. I began researching. The first thing I learned was how to breathe. This seemed to be my biggest problem. I was randomly inhaling and exhaling, and constantly gasping for breath. I read about the 3-2 method and how that particular breathing pattern helps prevent injury. The article stated that on the exhale the runner is more susceptible to injury on whichever side the foot lands. He recommended inhaling for three steps, and then exhaling for two, from the diaphragm and not the chest. This method alternates the exhale every other foot. Breathing from the diaphragm also enables your lungs to take in more air during each breath. I started practicing my breathing. It made a HUGE difference. Now I could run longer and not get winded. The only thing that is left to do is build up my legs so they don’t burn and ache after a minute. That has to come with time. I continued to press through. 

It’s been 27 days since I started those 30 second runs. I’ve not been following the Running for Beginners plan as written. I’m listening to my body and pressing myself to do what I can do. This is my workout and needs to be personalized to my needs. I have the discipline to shape my own progress because it is something that I want. Today I pressed myself further out of my comfort zone that I have been though. I ran two minutes and walked two minutes for thirty minutes. I never cheated. I wanted to cheat – God knows I wanted to. But I kept pushing myself. And that’s how I know I will get to where I’m going. Because I’m determined to beat those demons. 

Right now I feel amazing. Am I an athlete? Hell no. Am I in shape? Hardly. Am I a runner? You damned right I am! I’m getting out there and running every day. I’m improving on my runs. I’m using my body more efficiently every day. I look forward to running every day. I love the way I feel after a run. I think that heart rather than performance qualifies me as a runner. Let’s see what else I can be.